The Disney Princess thing…

Recently I’ve been involved in some very heated discussions about the Disney princess empire, and why I’m choosing to keep my daughter away from it.  (For as long as I can.)  Actually, heated isn’t even the right word.  I was attacked because of my stance that the Princess movies can and do contribute to a sexist view of women in the world, and they can and frequently do effect the way our little girls look at themselves and the women and men around them.

Currently my daughter is not yet 3.  So she is not yet in the “hot button” phase of the Princess obsession, for which I am grateful.  I am very, very hopeful that we will avoid the princess obsession through my own example and through providing her with alternate role models that are also female, fun, and (my personal preference) as ferocious as possible.

So for now, we watch things like Kiki’s Delivery Service, about a little female witch who saves the day!  And instead of pretending to eat a poison apple and fall into a sleep from which only her prince can save her, my little one pretends to rescue us on her broom.  Over and over.  One day she will be exposed to the idea of princess as helpless-heroine, I’m sure, it’s unavoidable.  But she will encounter it with a background of having seen women as RESCUERS, SAVIORS, the strong brave ones who saved the day!  She will see princesses through a different lens than a little girl who has never seen women in that role.

Beauty and the Beast is one of the movies which was up for discussion.  Someone pointed out that Beauty and the Beast is not exactly a *current* Disney production, which is true.  However it’s also true that Belle is promoted as one of the Princess’s, and so her story is told over and over all the time.  So it’s definitely relevant.  Let’s talk about the scene where Gaston proposes to Belle.

He tells her all about the fabulous life she’ll have, raising his babies and rubbing his feet.  To which she, rightfully, wrinkles her (tiny, pretty, and oh yes oh so white) nose.   Then he pins her up against the wall, telling her how lucky she will be.  She gracefully, gently, extricates herself and gives him the boot.

Excellent.

Er… except for the fact that this big, burly asshole felt completely entitled to waltz into her home, put his dirty feet on her table, and pin her to the wall.  Not something I want my daughter to believe is EVER ok.

Then of course there is the fact that ultimately she is held captive and falls in love with her captor.  A particularly disgusting message in light of the fact that men who kidnap little girls often work very hard to convince them that they are in fact their saviour, not their captor.

Frankly I do not feel our children lose anything by not being exposed to these ideas at a very young age, and further, I do think that we as parents have the power to say no to it.  If we cave and allow it into our homes, we give it our tacit approval, no matter what we say about it later.   We have options in this day and age, to NOT show our children things like this and still provide them with a huge world of pretend play, lots of various role models, and all kinds of rich stories to spark imagination.   I’m not anti-tv.  Well, I am, except I’m also human and deal with a high-needs child, so we do watch a lot of tv.  We watch Ni Hao Kai Lan, and Diego, and Kiki, and Totoro, and now Ponyo, and Sesame Street, and Dragon Tales.

I am not in my own mind a rabid feminist.  Apparently to others, I am!  Ironic as I’m a stay-at-home mom.  Then again, I’m not so great at dishes or housekeeping, and my husband does all the laundry.  So it’s my hope that my daughter will see both my husband and I sharing equal roles in our marriage and life together and learn by our example.

This is a really interesting video about masculinity in Disney movies.  In other words, yeah, it’s not only little girls who are effected by these ideas about gender.

I believe it’s possible to be a feminist mom without being a “no-fun” mom, and that’s what I aspire to be.

Edited: September 5th, 2009

Project Yes

I just read this post, titled Project Yes over at Bad Mommy Moments. Love, love, love. The idea being that we should all make an effort to find ways to say yes to our children, amidst the hundreds of things we find ourselves saying NO about every day.

And I realized that even though “nos” are important and there will always be a need to use them, saying “yes” is more important. It’s harder. It’s often unappreciated. And sometimes it’s painful. Especially on rainy days when all you want to do is curl up on the floor and disappear.

But you never really know what’s inside of your kid until you say “yes” and give them the permission to show you.

I’m definitely going to make an effort to say yes to my daughter more often. Half the time when I say “No,” anyways, I’ve said it without really thinking; and a few minutes later change my mind. Better to say yes in the first place, and get out of the habit of No No NO-ing every little thing!

Edited: July 4th, 2009

AAP Extends rear-facing seat requirements

News from the AAP:

New research indicates that toddlers are more than five times safer riding rear-facing in a car safety seat up to their second birthday.

Bella hated the car from birth; I used to laugh when my in-laws would talk about driving the boys (my husband and his brother) to sleep when they were babies. Of course, they were holding the babies in their arms back then, so it was a completely different thing. I spent more days sobbing at the side of the road because she would shriek every time I’d try to drive, than I can even tell you. It was absolutely brutal.
When she was about four months old, I switched her into a Britax Marathon convertible seat, also rear-facing, hoping that sitting up higher would help her be more mellow. It did, a little. So did the DVD player (as yet another of my mommy-ideals fell by the wayside in the face of a shrieking baby), a little. So did singing, a little. Nothing helped 100%, ever, not to this day, she still hates the car!
I had to turn her when she was 15 months as she reached the weight limit of her seat; 33 lbs for rear-facing! If she weren’t such a chunk she’d still be riding backwards. Honestly it didn’t make that big a difference in her hatred of being in the seat. She just hates being restrained and away from me, period!
Here’s a youtube video discussing this issue with some incredibly dramatic footage of crash-test dummies, illustrating the difference between forward-facing and rear-facing in a crash.

Edited: April 3rd, 2009

The Waldorf Machine Ate My Crunch Card

Here’s how I lose points in my daughters playroom…
1) She’s watching the Wiggles while I type this!
2) There is a TV in her playroom! (We are not in her playroom now, we are in the living room. The TV in there is for us all to play dance dance revolution on. Still!)
3) Tons of plastic monstrosities as far as the eye can see!
4) Books, books, and more books! Plus a bin full of books to rotate with the other books!
5) Alphabet puzzle!
6) I’m currently trying to bribe her through her pottying strike with M&Ms. She just had her first M&M installment and is now stomping her feet and saying MORE! Eeeks!
7) She had canned spaghettio’s for lunch. NOT EVEN THE ORGANIC KIND. (With black beans, cheese, kale, and sweet potato puree. Still, though!) Finally… the dreaded Black Crayon. Yes, there are black crayons everywhere!

Edited: October 27th, 2008

Scream-it-out

Lately, other moms are driving me nuts. I am on no high horse; I’m well aware that mothering is a journey we are all on, and most of us are trying to do our best for our kids. Some, I’m happy to judge, like Racist Mom (who believes that the 9th Ward destruction was really “no big deal”), and Sexist Mom. But mostly, no, I don’t judge. I’m not perfect. I have yelled, cried, sobbed, ran into the bathroom and locked myself in while my daughter cried for me, I’ve done all kinds of things to cope with being a mom. I do the best I can, and I try harder when I screw it up (which is often).
But… screaming it out?
First, I do disagree with CIO (cry it out) as a parenting method for most kids. I know that for some kids it works great; they cry for a few minutes and then settle down and go to sleep. Excellent! I don’t have a problem with that. But most parents hear “cry it out” and believe that they should let their child cry for as long as it takes. (Which is, btw, not at all what Ferber recommends!) So you wind up with situations like this one.
Today in preschool my daughter was all enamored of one of her friends, little 2 year old G, and her big sister, 4 year old M. They were loving on each other, hugging each other, playing together, and my daughter was just in love. She was following them around with stars in her little eyes. I have baby lust anyways, so I said something about how Bella obviously wants a sibling just as much as I do. Her mom said “Yeah, good luck with that!” I replied with something about how Bella has been really challenging and I hope my next child is a bit easier, and asked if G (her second) was easier?
She rolled her eyes and said NO, G is *worse.* Would I believe that she didn’t get any sleep the night before because G screamed all night long?
She told me that G screamed and screamed and screamed for three solid hours before she lost track. But that she can’t give in because “then it would all be downhill!” (As if it could get worse? How exactly could it get worse?)
I was dumbfounded, and rendered speechless. Not a state I am used to. I really like this little girl, G, and she is adorable! Bella likes her and was saying her name. So it felt personal to me in a way that hearing stories of babies on the internet does not. I stammered out something about us co-sleeping, and the mom responded that she did co-sleep with M, but couldn’t with G. “It’s not fair to M, you know? Since she is not allowed to do it anymore, I don’t see how we can let G do it.”
But it’s FAIR to let the little one scream alone in a crib all night?
What is fair about that?
I myself have succumbed to the “You’re just not being firm enough” monster of popular parenting several times myself, always to have it blow up in my face. Bella doesn’t respond well to strong arm tactics. There are more than one way to do things. So why do so many parents paint themselves into a corner like this? Why is this the hill she wants to die on?
I was still thinking about all of this while I put Bella down for her nap. We’ve been working on her night time sleep and it has gotten much better this week, but naps are still kind of askew. I held her snuggled up close to me while she had a bottle. She lay there staring dreamily off into space and very gently stroking my eyelashes. She has never done that before, but it was pretty amazing. Then when she clearly was unable to fall asleep, I threw her on my back and pulled out the vacuum. Within three minutes, she was out like a light, and has been for the past two hours.
Why not invest the time to parent your child to sleep instead of leaving them to scream? Let’s say that it takes 45 minutes of your day. That is still better than hour upon hour of screaming, isn’t it?
This has certainly given me a new perspective into my own child’s sleep woes.
I don’t get it. And this is one of the very few times when I’m glad to say that my way is better.

Edited: October 8th, 2008

Amazing post…

I love, love, loved this post by Kneeling Woman which discusses our current level of mommy-wars and the simple fact that no matter what particular choices a woman makes, we are each more than just mothers… we are women!

Being a mother is about being a mother……..We give birth. We do our best each and every time. That’s enough; just being who and what we are and loving what we do; is enough.

Get on over there and check it out, it is long but a wonderful read!

Edited: May 19th, 2008

You too can be negated in cartoons!

Have you ever heard of Hathor the Cowgoddess? (I’m sorry, I’m not including a link. Google it if you’d like to visit her site.) Gosh I really used to love her, in fact I actually bought two of her prints and calenders as gifts for my midwives. But like many of the people on a popular NFL website, Hathor has become more bitch than birth goddess, more interested in slamming other moms than she is advancing the goals of natural birth and breastfeeding.

(more…)

Edited: March 27th, 2008