Bella is 15 months old today, and yep, we are still nursing. Several times a day, even. She pulls down my shirt in public, even! And I have to say that I am thrilled beyond belief to have nursed long enough to hear her giggle with glee as I approach with bared breasts. 
Edited: March 30th, 2008
Bella is now almost 11 months old. It’s hard to believe, the time has really flown by. I am such a different person than I was 12 months ago! One year ago when she was still safely in my belly and I was so looking forward to having her. Now, I cannot imagine life without her.
I have been planning to discontinue using Domperidone at the year mark.
Edited: November 26th, 2007
I’m just back from a trip to Vegas. We had a great time, but I had an experience at the airport that I have to write about.
I had lugged my Pump in Style with me, and pumped at every available opportunity while we were there. I wanted to have plenty of breastmilk to carry with me on the plane for the trip back. Breastmilk is easier, because it keeps for longer at room temperature. (Up to 10 hours) So when we left for the airport, I took 11 ounces of breastmilk with me, plus a 4 ounce packet of formula, and figured that should be plenty for the 8 hours or so until we got home.
*sigh*
We went to lunch, then returned the rental car, then went to the airport, went through security, etc etc etc. Finally we are at the gate and sitting there, and I decide to combine the two bottles of breastmilk (I know you shouldn’t typically do this). I had a half-ounce left in one bottle that I poured into the bigger bottle which had about 7.5 ounces in it. When I opened it up to pour, I noticed that the milk looked… weird. Frothy. Foamy. Like an inch of foam, sticking to the sides of the bottle. Huh, I thought to myself… that is so weird! It couldn’t have gone bad, could it?
COULD IT?
I put a tiny bit of milk on the tip of my finger and tasted.
Ugh.
UGH.
OH NO.
My milk went sour!!!!!!
It had only been a few hours; the milk had been cold from the refrigerator and kept in an insulated bag. I know it is the desert, but damn… the milk was with me the whole time, I never left it in the car or anything like that. How could it go sour so fast!??!?!
But sour it was. Very sour. Ugh, the taste in my mouth was so awful. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
I started to panic. How the hell am I supposed to get through a four hour flight plus assorted travel time, with only 4 ounces of formula? My baby would starve! She would be freaking out! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!
I did not know what to do. I was so at a loss, and so horrified, and so dismayed, and all of this brought to head all my feelings of inadequacy related to being unable to fully breastfeed. All I could think was that if I were a NORMAL breastfeeding mama, none of this would be an issue. I’d be able to just, you know, FEED MY BABY.
I burst into tears in the middle of the airport. All the options I could think of were horrible. Just go, and do my best to nurse her and try to tide her over with the few ounces I could provide, on top of the four ounces of formula. There was no later flight available, so go get a hotel room for another night? Our luggage would still be on this flight and then we’d have to go through the whole hellaciousness of security and airport rigamarole again. What to do? I just sat there crying my eyes out.
Some well-meaning woman behind me asked, “Is everything ok?” I know she meant well, but lady… I’m in the airport bawling, clearly everything is not ok!
Finally my husband suggested we find someone else with a baby and see if we could beg or buy some formula from them. I hated this idea, but ok, ok, you have to do what you have to do.
I stopped the first woman I saw pushing a stroller, her baby actually looked to be similar in age. I asked if she had any formula she could spare, and this kind angel said “Oh my gosh, I have totally been where you are right now! Have you been crying?” (At which, of course I burst into tears again.) “Here, I have a can of enfamil you can have. Please don’t worry, we have plenty!”
Angel. Blessings to you. I’m crying even typing this. I thanked her profusely. Seriously, this woman saved the day.
I went into the bathroom at the airport and dumped my breastmilk into the sink, 4 days worth of pumping and pumping literally down the drain. I scrubbed out the bottle so I could make some formula and tried to stop crying.
So we wound up being able to get home with no problems. But you can bet that from now on I will have tons and tons of extra formula with me wherever I go! Hopefully I can someday return the favor this woman paid me, to some other mama and baby in need.
And I still have not figured out why my milk went sour!
Edited: August 7th, 2007
Suddenly I really do understand why someone would say to me that La Leche League is not “their kind” of organization. Not because what I’m writing about is a position of LLL; for the record, it absolutely is not! But because people associate breastfeeding militants with LLL. (Mistakenly, IMO.*)
I believe that I am probably one of the hugest lactivists you could ever come across. That’s why I’m sitting here chained to a breastpump when I could be in bed snuggling my baby and sleeping. That’s why I have been busting my ass for the past six months to give my baby every drop of breastmilk that I possibly can. That’s why I go to La Leche League meetings, nurse-ins, and it’s why I try my best to support other moms having breastfeeding problems.
But the “militants” are now telling me that not only does FORMULA KILL, but that formula should be available by prescription only. They seem to think they can force women to breastfeed.
However a woman who cannot breastfeed (like me, at least I cannot 100%) is not going to be helped by this policy. Neither is a woman who doesn’t breastfeed because, due to society making her believe her breasts are purely sexual, she believes it is disgusting. Neither will a woman who was sexually abused and cannot stand having her breasts touched. Neither will a woman who has minor breastfeeding difficulties but doesn’t have the resources to be able to overcome them. Lactation consultants cost money. Getting to La Leche League meetings is not always possible. Breastpumps are expensive, even renting them is expensive.
Babies are not going to be helped by this policy, because a mother who has no medical care is not going to suddenly magically have it due to this law. She’ll feed her baby cow’s milk and hope for the best. Mothers who do have access to good healthcare aren’t going to be served by this because, guess what… their babies will be hungry and screaming while they go through getting a doctor’s appointment, getting to the doctor, getting the prescription, getting to the pharmacy, getting the prescription filled. Having to do that when you are sick is torture. Having to do all that with a screaming baby is simply inhuman.
I had my husband go buy our first formula. It sat on a shelf in my kitchen for a week, while I popped fenugreek pills, drowned in Mother’s Milk tea, chowed on oatmeal, pumped like crazy, nursed on demand, and waited with so much hope and desperation for my milk to increase. I can’t even explain the heartbreak of that waiting (which continues, every day, no matter what I tell myself) to a mom who has never experienced it. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to know that. But to add insult to injury, to have to go to a doctor to explain that I don’t have milk… and then what, how do I prove it? Do they force me to do test weights in their office? Do they force me to try to nurse my desperate baby while they watch, to prove to them that I’ve tried? (As if a freaking out baby would nurse well anyways.) How exactly would a mother prove to a doctor that she needs formula? What would the test be? Who decides what the test will be?
The other aspect of this I find so interesting, is that frequently such militants are die hard anti-modern medicine. Yet they’d send a vulnerable new mother into a doctor’s office in a heartbeat to help support them as they sit up on high horses with full breasts wondering why moms like me don’t “get it.”
Breastfeeding is hard. Even when it works, it’s hard. It should not be up to me or anyone to tell a mother what to do with her body, whether that means to carry life or nourish it. I believe in breastfeeding with my whole heart and I’m so grateful for the tiny bit of success I have with it. But increasing rates of breastfeeding will never happen with a sledgehammer. Hurting a wounded woman while she’s down certainly won’t make her more receptive to your message.
Formula is not poison. It’s an option for babies who need it. Nothing more, nothing less.
I’m sending a hug out to all the other mamas who’ve needed, for all kinds of reasons, to feed their babies formula. You are a great mom to your baby!
I wish breastfeeding success were possible for every mom.
*LLL is an amazing organization full of all kinds of people, I’m sure some of the people are like this. But my experience with them has been mostly very supportive and open-minded. I’d encourage anyone to go to a LLL meeting or call a leader if they have a question about breastfeeding. You’ll be amazed how friendly they are!
Edited: June 24th, 2007
I have been told recently that, “Formula Kills!” What a horrible thing to say. Formula is not perfect. But we are blessed to live in a time when we have a viable alternative for mamas like me whose babies WOULD DIE without another source of milk. The only reason I’m sitting here typing is because I’m chained to the breastpump popping domperidone and doing everything I can to get every last drop of breastmilk in my baby. But apparently it’s all for naught as FORMULA KILLS.
Argh. A little compassion, people. Not only that, but a little REASON. Formula is certainly better than giving a newborn cow’s milk and karo syrup which is what used to be done.
You can be a lactivist without shoving hate out into the world. To me, being a lactivist is about loving our babies as best we can, and showing other moms how great it is by example. NOT by trying to shove lactivism down their throats by implying that they will KILL their babies if they don’t breastfeed.
Here’s a photo of my beautiful baby nursing with the lact-aid. Which has either formula or breastmilk in it, depending. 
Edited: June 17th, 2007
I am not sure if I posted here about this or not, but I followed up with a second endocrinologist who tested me for every darned thing under the sun. Seriously, they took so much blood I was woozy; and I was holding a baby. I was like “oooooooooooooooohh thanks, now I’ll just take my BABY and DRIVE home…” Yikes, I had a granola bar in the car and felt better, but anyways.. a lot of blood!
Everything came back perfect, except that my vitamin D level was very, very low. The endo told me that she has a tentative hypothesis. That because my vitamin D level was so low, my body could not absorb calcium, and I need calcium to make milk. I am certainly desperate enough to grasp at straws, so I said YEP, let’s start on some vitamin D.
Now here is where the “I am not a vampire” part comes in. I DO get sun every day. I get at least the 10-15 minutes of exposure which I’ve been told is required to make adequate vitamin D. The endo told me there isn’t much research as to what is a good RDA, especially for nursing mamas, for vitamin D. Most of the research regarding vitamin D has to do with prevention of rickets in children. I will admit here and now that my brain has not yet been capable of combing the internet for information about this, but…
Since I started the supplement, I DO have more milk. Without question. Right now I have ten ounces of pumped milk in the fridge. That has *never* happened before. My breasts definitely feel more full, more often.
And, totally unrelated but adorable nonetheless, my baby has started responding when I ask if she wants some booby, by opening her mouth like a little shark and chomping down on me. (Not in a way that hurts!) It is the cutest darned thing ever!
I am not sure that I’ll ever have what other moms would consider a full supply, but… I’m glad for every bit of improvement. And I’m not ashamed to say that I am incredibly proud to have officially, as of yesterday, made it FIVE MONTHS of breastfeeding!
Edited: May 31st, 2007
I am all in a fluster over tonights LLL meeting. It’s even more upsetting as usually I feel so much better after a meeting. It just feels good, in general, to be around other breastfeeding mamas.
But.
Tonight’s topic was “Overcoming Challenges and Problems,” or something like that. There was a mama there experiencing supply problems . One leader told her she is probably not really having supply problems. (Maybe. Maybe not. I wouldn’t venture to guess, but if I were diagnosed with supply problems and had it all to do over again, I will tell you; I’d attack with guns blazing as soon as possible!)
Another leader poo-poo’d me when I recommended a lactation consultant. “We are available too, and we are free.” (Yes, you are free. You are an UNPAID VOLUNTEER. Bless you! Bless you! Really! But for a mama who is having serious problems, if she can afford it, a lactation consultant can be really helpful. They are *professionals* who are trained to look for problems that a layperson might not pick up on. Lactation consultants in hospitals are also often lower paid or not paid at all. If you’re in real trouble, invest the $100 or so to see an IBCLC. It’s cheaper than formula!*)
People kept saying that if you just nurse on demand, just pump a lot, your supply would be ok. I really hate the attitude that if you just do everything JUST RIGHT, everything will turn out fine! This is true most of the time, but not all of the time, and there I was sitting there saying, “Yes, I did everything right and it didn’t turn out fine! And it is still worth it!”
And, just in general, the other problems other mamas have seem so small in comparison to my own. Not to belittle their experiences, but thrush and mastitis, while *horrible* to go through, can be overcome. My problem really has no end in sight.
It would’ve been nice to be acknowledged at all, I guess, to have even one leader say “It is great that you are still nursing even with low milk supply!” I mean I *know* it is, but I felt very blown off.
Now I’m all cranky, my poor husband! I don’t know how he puts up with me.
*I hope I don’t come off as being down on LLL or the leaders. I love them both! They do such amazing work and I am constantly posting their meetings all over the internet and encouraging moms to go. No one is perfect and I needed a vent. I also do believe that for more serious problems or harder to figure out problems, LC’s are absolutely necessary. I hope that’s clear!
Edited: May 10th, 2007
I’ve received some feedback which reminded me, I should have added these thoughts…
First, I do have hypothyroid. I was on synthroid throughout my pregnancy and did have my levels checked during my pregnancy. Still, I believe this was/is a factor in my supply problems. Unfortunately there is not much research going on about lactation at all, much less lactation and thyroid function. There was just a study done about hypothyroid and pregnancy though, which is kind of interesting.
Edited: May 9th, 2007
Sitting here pumping, I guess it’s time to write the whole thing down and sort it all out in my mind, if such a thing is possible.
I was and am determined to breastfeed my baby. I planned like crazy for this baby, I wanted to have a baby my whole life but made myself wait, and wait, and wait… and then I wanted to do everything just right (like all moms do), with a natural birth, breastfeeding, etc. I did have a natural home birth and baby latched on within 20 minutes of birth.
My latch was pronounced “good” by both my midwives and my pediatrician, and we were off and running.
Edited: May 5th, 2007
So I decided to try one more time with another endocrinologist. The first one I went to was not only a nasty piece of work, she clearly had no clue about breastfeeding. She basically told me that the problem is simply that I’m not getting enough sleep.
Right!
So, this new endo was much better, but not very hopeful that she will find an answer for me. At least this lady knew what domperidone was, and that it is frequently used for milk production. That in itself is fairly impressive, it seems! She also seemed to understand more that I really do have a real problem, not just “first time mom jitters,” as that other condescending lady seemed to think. She is running a bunch more tests though and who knows? Maybe we will find something.
I have to say though, I’m not altogether too hopeful either. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, and I’m thinking now that this whole thing may have begun with our bad latch in the beginning. Or, I don’t know… clearly something went wrong somewhere, from my being able to clear her jaundice easily within a week while exclusively breastfeeding, to gaining no weight at all.
So frustrating to feel like your body has almost, ALMOST got it perfectly.
I’m really hopeful for a next baby though, and I will have a hospital grade pump ready to go and be pumping every time that little baby is sleeping until I know I’ve established a good supply.
Edited: April 27th, 2007